Forgiveness
by SavvySiberian
Summary: After the defeat of the Victim's and Zion is safe Gareas is sick of waiting for happiness (GxE)


Forgiveness 

By SiberianHottie 

  
Spoiler: If you don't know what happens to Ernest than I don't suggest reading lol 

Author's Notes: Heee first Megami Kouhosei ficcie! ^ ~! This is GxE!!! Hehe I love Garu and Ernest!!! Keep in mind I haven't watched all the series… I've only watched up to the last eppie Ernest is in *sobs* ~ ~ I refuse to go on in his honor!! LOL!... and I don't have the manga… Ok well enjoy!!

Sorrow is the one emotion among the rest that had always dominated in my body. Most would have guessed more my anger or hot temperness, but not even those could compare to the excruciating pain my whole body felt just from breathing. There had always been something missing in my life, a dark void in the very depths of my soul. Slowly it had been timidly filled with your presence; your light filled the darkness and rescued my dying soul. You may not have believed it than, my ever suicidal tendencies running amuck, but I had never planned to actually get myself killed, not once you had rescued me. I had to stay alive to be by your side, to see your face the next day, your smile, your eyes, I never wanted that to end, even if I hadn't realized it than. Then it had all been taken away in a single instant in time, no one realizes what one second can do. All it takes is one second to make a mistake, to change someone's life forever. In one second two lives were shattered, leaving nothing left to salvage. When you took your last breath you took away the very core of my soul, the very essence of my life.  

I had been the first one you ever opened up to, the first one you loved. The world had shunned away from you because of your unique abilities. I never understood how someone could condemn such a beautiful person such as you for something so small as an extra sense. It didn't make you a monster as so many had said before, it only added to your burning charm and uniqueness. When we met I wouldn't let you push me away with your solitude, I may not have had empathy but I knew you had a pain similar to mine deep within. You had been burned badly and didn't trust or believe in the human race anymore, and who could really blame you, I for one couldn't. As a matter of fact I really never understood your reasons for becoming a pilot. If you had been so hurt by people why did you strive so hard to save them, why give up everything?

You opened up to me, slowly you showed me the wonderful person who lived within the hard masses of pain. I knew you strived for the same from me, you wanted to help my pain as I had done for you. You knew it was there hiding among the millions of other flying emotions that roared inside me. I didn't want to be exposed again like so many years ago, I was content with the way I was. So instead together we worked to get you back to being the innocent person you had once been and you did all you could to protect me, even if you couldn't reach my center. You protected me physical, and eventually you even achieved your goal, otherwise I wouldn't be so messed up right now. You had healed my own broken heart, healed my hurtful past that I hadn't let anybody see. You saw through the field of emotions that I hide behind, you saw the scared little boy, and realized we were the same.

            I don't understand… if you knew how badly I'd been hurt myself… than why hadn't you just left me alone… If you had than I think I'd be ok… I wouldn't be dying inside… Sure I wouldn't be living either but at least these blasted tears wouldn't be falling…. You knew everything right… so why did you have to make empty promises to me?… Why did you have to make me hope again? Why? I don't understand? Why did you make me fall in love with you? I was content with throwing everything away in order to save Zion…. So why…

You said '_I'll always be here for you' _

Then why aren't you? The pieces of my soul that are left are calling for you, but you're not answering. Tears stain my cheeks yet you don't wipe them away. I'm alone and there's no one who will come to save me this time. I have no dreams left to follow. I'm lost in a field of darkness and it becomes thicker everyday. Soon I won't be able to see through the darkness, extremely similar to the vast void of space we had fought in together, and I'll be lost forever. Is that what you wanted? Did you mean to hurt me? I can't stand all the questions… You made me promise to never leave you and I did… but why didn't you promise to never leave me? I can't stand the loneliness no one understands me like you… Don't leave me like this… you promised to save me… so why haven't you?  

You said '_I'll never hurt you' than why have you left me?… You've hurt me in the worst way imaginable. I can't live without you. The others don't understand, they want me to continue on like nothing has happen. I've played along so far trying to be discrete about the pain that is eating me alive, but nothing will ever be the same, __I will never be the same. So I cry when I'm alone and smile when I'm with them, or something along those lines. I never show them what I'm feeling, because you were the only one who had understood… So tell me why have you left this empty hole in my chest. You've destroyed what little sanity I had kept. The pain is unbearable and I don't know how long I'll be able to stand it. Every day it gets harder to breathe… one of these days I believe it will just become to hard a task and I'll end up stopping. Than maybe I'd get my answers…   _

Do you know the guilt is eating me up as well? Don't think I don't know that it was entirely my fault. I've always been to rash, to hurried, to reckless. I don't think I was looking for death out there, perhaps I thought I was invincible, or just didn't care. I wanted Zion to be safe so badly, my parents said I couldn't do it; I had wanted to prove them wrong so bad. In doing so I had become reckless, which you had stated a million times to me. I blew you off when you tried to reach me… god I blew you off when you were just trying to calm my emotions. I'm a fool I needed… need your touch so bad. Why couldn't I have just accepted the soothing feelings your presence had always brought me. It may not have seemed like it; instead I had to push you away, hurting both you and myself. They always said my rashness would kill me, unfortunately they were wrong, I paid the ultimate price and lost you. 

So here I am alone and in darkness. I hate you for loving me; hate you for making me feel good, hate you for making me feel wanted, hate you for leaving. I had been perfectly content in my pain induced style of life. It had gotten me by without much of a problem, a little lonely but nothing I couldn't handle. We had opened up to each other without even realizing it. Despite keeping my feelings away from you once I welcomed you as a friend, which I had desperately wanted, you reached for them. Trying to sooth the underline of hurt like I had apparently for you. I want to hate you for making me feel this way; after all it really is your fault… isn't it? If you had left me alone, but than again I hadn't left you alone when you wanted… maybe this was my punishment. I could and will never hate you despite how much my body and soul aches. Infact it only makes my heart throb with even more love. After all in the end it wasn't your fault, I was the one who let you in my heart in the first place, I was the one who rushed into the battle, I was why you lost your life. Perhaps it would have been better if you had never met me… at least you'd be alive…

I wish you'd come back to me, I wish you'd come back and clean up the mess that is now my soul. Because no one else is able to do it, and each day it only gets worse. The pieces are so far scattered that even if you did come back I'm not sure if you would be able to piece them together…. I'm sick of waiting… I've waited so long… I've never been very patient… yeah understatement of the year… the victims are gone… Zion is safe… the pilots accomplished their goal, Ernest. The funny thing is when it happened it hadn't been the joyous occasion that any of us had once imagined. Each pilot looked more baffled than the next at what to do. After all our whole lives had been devoted to destroying victims… now that the goal had been done what was next. None of us knew, so while the rest of the world celebrated the five us of us stood silently brooding over our options. 

The victim's demise just made me miss you more Ernest… We hadn't been able to enjoy the moment of final peace, that I knew you had wished for so much, together. Everything was just a haze and I didn't, well still don't know what to do with myself. I can't go back home, god no, I may have proved them wrong but I had never belonged their in the first place. Even if I had reached that ultimate goal somehow I didn't feel as lucky as I thought I would, I was a hero, but a hero who had paid a high price, like so many others. Suddenly rubbing my win into my so called parent's noses lost its appeal. 

So here I am in my old room before being shipped off to Zion, a sharpened knife dancing between my fingertips. This would be the last night any of the pilots would spend here. They wanted us to live normal lives again, thrown out like yesterdays trash. GOA and everything associated with it was shutting down due to the obviously lack of enemies. The goddess's were being forgotten which only made me all the more angrier inside, but I had never had any control in that department, and despite the pilots loud protest the decision had been final. My whole life had practically been spent up here, or at least the parts even worth remembering. This room had been a place of many joys and a place of many pains. It only seemed fitting it would be the last place that my living soul would be. I was sick of sacrificing, sick of being alone. 

I rubbed the flat part of the knife over my exposed wrists, its cold sliver surfaced practically glowing in the dismal darkness. My body shivered as the iciness around me seeped into my bones. I wrapped slender arms around my shaking body to try and sooth it, I tried to convince myself it was just nerves, but I knew it was more. Over the past few weeks I had starved myself hoping to just die in sleep without waking up to the world of pain. So as the frostness in my room shifted even lower it greatly affected my already underweight body. It was dreadfully freezing in my room; I hadn't found it suiting to waste GOA's money on heat for just another dying soul. A droplet of liquid fell onto my pale skin, a salty tear, surprising me beyond belief. I had cried all my tears long before and hadn't let myself cry again. I hadn't let out my anguished pain since the night Ernest had actually died…  

            "Sorry love." I winced as my voice croaked in the middle, most likely from lack of use or perhaps the newly shed tears. I knew Ernest wouldn't have wanted it this way; he wouldn't have wanted me to dwell on his death for so long. I don't think he understood the deepness of my emotions for him though, not that I had helped at all in that area, trying to shield myself from pain. I had wanted to spend my entire life with him by my side, still do. I know he wouldn't have wanted me to resort to such methods, evident from what he gave up for me, but I know I can't continue on like this. It's just too painful and I think I deserve a little relief if only for the last star that I had had a hand in saving. 

            So I slashed the knife quickly and swiftly over both wrists, before I lost the nerve I had been building up. I had nothing left yet I knew I was still betraying Ernest, I just hoped he could find it in his heart to forgive me someday. I knew it's too much to ask for, but I need this more than anything. Acute pain ran up my body and I shuttered the coldness wrapping around me like a misted blanket. My eyes squeezed shut trying to pull back the haze of tears that threaten to spill out again. I opened them after a few seconds staring at my wrists in morbid fascination. The blood was flowing out like a rapid river, the floor already stained with the crimson liquid. My vision was getting foggy, blurring a bit, but the pain was finally numbing, infact my whole body was numbing. I let my eyes close shut not wanting to fight off the darkness that was overcoming me. I could feel my mind slipping away slowly as more of the precious liquid escaped. Everything was numb and I was just barely aware of a knock at my door. It took me several seconds to realize it was Leena, I hadn't wanted her to be the one to find me but there was really no way to help that. It didn't matter by the time she got the authorization to open my tightly locked door I would be gone. 

            "Sorry Leena…" I whispered silently regretting she would find me sooner or later, it had been selfish but it didn't matter now, what was done was done. I let the last part of me that was holding onto the mortal realm go. My soul seeping into the everlasting darkness that comes with my decision, it could have been minutes, or years, I wasn't sure but my body was suspended in dark coldness. It didn't matter my body and mind was to numb to even care about the ever present pain. It didn't matter if this was where I was destined to spend my afterlife, all I had wanted was relief and I had found it. 

            A slight warmth lingered along my chest as if gentle hands were applying soft pressure to one specific point. The warmth grew slightly expanding to other parts of my body as the hands caressed my freezing skin. My body was quickly warming up being able to move slightly. Soft wings wrapped around my slender form as hands continued to caress me. Then soft lips were placed upon my neck sucking gentle, tongue flickering lightly across the cold skin, making it slightly red against the rest of my pale body. I sighed contently as gentle teeth nibbled at the rim of my ear. A silken warmth wrapped over the rest of my body sending tingles through my spine.  

            "Open your eyes love." A hypnotizing voice whispered almost musically into my ear, soft warm breath making me shiver slightly. I hadn't even realized my eyes had been closed the new sensations overwhelming any sanity I had managed to keep over the years. My eyes opened up immediately after the soft spoken command. I winced slightly and closed them for a brief second before reopening. I was still in complete darkness that is except for the beautiful creature holding my feeble form. Velvet wings were wrapped tightly around my body, arms holding my slim waist trying to save me from the darkness that surrounded. Long blonde hair tangled between our bodies wrapping around us as if there was a steady wind. Bright crystal blue eyes surveyed me as arms tightened around my waist. He was more breath taking than before with the obvious difference of hair and wings. Tears surged from my own green eyes realizing just how unworthy I was of this graceful creature. A tender hand caressed my cheek wiping away the tears that had already started. ~Don't cry love you aren't alone any longer~ I was surprised to hear his magical voice inside my head, it was almost like he was caressing my mind. As a human he had had empathy I knew that, but he had never been able to talk to me inside my mind, or perhaps I just hadn't let him. 

            I buried my face into the curve of his neck letting out years of anguished pain. His arms tightened if that was at all possible, rubbing my back softly. He nuzzled my head softly giving the comfort I had longed for for so long. 

            "I'm sorry Ernest… sorry… so sorry… I I didn't… I didn't mean to kill you… god I didn't mean for you to die… It should have been me… not you…" I sobbed into him burying my face further in shame. He shouldn't have had to give his life for me, I wasn't worth that much. 

            "Garu…" 

            "And and I know you must be disappointed… I just just couldn't live any longer… Zion is safe… I just oh Ernest I couldn't survey being alone… I've bee alone so long... please I know… I know I have no right to ask you this… but but… can you ever forgive me… for for all the pain I've caused… for for everything I've… done to you?"

            Moist gentle lips covered mine in a sweet and tender kiss, hands tugging lightly on my green spiked hair. He was effectively silencing me, to shocked to even think of responding. 

            "Shhh love… there was nothing ever to be forgiven… it wasn't your fault… and although I wish you could have found happiness… I understand why you did what you did." Ernest replied rubbing graceful hands over my cheek lightly. 

            "I don't deserve…" I was cut off in a mind link that I wondered if ever could be broken for this moment. ~Don't you think you've suffered enough alone, you've devoted your life in misery to save Zion, won't you at least let your afterlife be happy?~ Ernest asked softly. 

            ~I don't know if I know how…~ I replied cautiously checking the link to see if he could hear me as well. 

            ~You will never be alone again; I will help you heal the darkness that has spread in your soul.~ Ernest answered determinedly. I didn't know how to reply to that, he had no anger in him what so ever for me killing him, it made me feel even more guilty for some reason. I decided I would answer with the one thing that should have been voiced a long long time ago, before I lost this opportunity. 

            "Ernest… I love you." I whispered setting my head against his shoulder. 

            "And I love you." He replied running hands through green silk strands of hair. "And I forgive you." Ernest would never let pain come to the one he loved most in the world again, no matter what it took, he would protect Gareas, just like he had always done. 


End file.
